If I am going to blog anonymously, I’ll need some pseudonymns. I have decided to call myself DAD DANCER. Why? Well, if you had ever seen me strutting my funky stuff on the dancefloor, the answer to that question would be blindingly obvious. But there’s another reason. It’s a metaphor for the whole condition of parenthood. Out-of-touch, creaky-limbed, embarrassing. Sorry to have to break it to you but that’s how kids see us once they reach the age of 10. In some cases, it’s a lot sooner.
I’ve thought long and hard about what to call my long suffering partner. I wondered about that phrase that Rumpole of the Bailey used to trot out: She Who Must Be Obeyed. But I reckon there’s a danger the lawyers who look after John Mortimer’s estate might sue the arse off me. I have an internet penpal in Australia who calls his missus the Good Lady Wife – or GLW for short. Trouble is, he’s a lot funnier than me. Chances are he’ll set up his own blog and his lawyers will sue the arse off me as well. So I’ve finally decided to keep it completely original and stay clear of any literary, TV or film references. From now on she will be known as Khaleesi.
Number One daughter – Fiery, stubborn, impatient, tormentor of her sisters. To be fair, she can also be amazingly kind, loyal, organised and intelligent. She switches between these two states of being several times per hour. I shall call her Groucho.
Number Two daughter – the middle child, always struggling to get her voice heard above the din of the crowd and carve out her own identity. I shall call her Number Two.
Number Three daughter – Cute but devious. The kind of child who writes a name on the wallpaper with felt tip pen but is smart enough to use her sister’s name, not her own. She shall be known as Tinkerbell.
Grumpy Old Man is my eldest brother. Each of those words is 100% accurate.
My Brother the Arms Dealer (or M-BAD for short) – my other brother. Much older and richer than me.
The cat has a name that is fairly common in humans but hard to guess in felines. For the purpose of this blog, he shall be known as Rumplestiltskin.
As for my mother-in-law, I did toy with the idea of calling her MIL but then realised that is very similar to MILF and could lead to some horrible misunderstandings. Instead I shall call her Crazy Horse.