1) Ssshhhhh! Some of you are going to recognise the stories or characters I tell or write about in this blog. Maybe you’re an amateur sleuth who sees it as a challenge to work out who I am. I wouldn’t bother. I’m not that interesting. But if you do, please keep it to yourself. Why? Because raising a teenage girl is hard enough as it is. If she gets wind of that fact that I’ve been sharing our family’s most intimate secrets with the Whole Wide World, she probably will do that Exorcist head spinning thing.
2) I know what you some of you are thinking: The kid’s got a point; you are a pretty rubbish parent, putting all that stuff on the internet. But in my defence, I will say this. Parents always moan about their kids to other people. They’ve been doing it for thousands of years, ever since kids were first invented. The only difference is that now we’ve got better technology to help us. And I bet if I checked her Instagram account I’d discover one or two things that would start my head spinning.
3) OK, now you are starting to get me a bit worried. I mean, remember that character in Gone Girl.When she was young her parents wrote all these books about her called Amazing Amy – and she grew up to be a psychotic, vengeful witch who sets out to frame her college professor husband for murder, just because he was sleeping with one of his students. (What’s that you’re saying? “I’m only half way through the freaking book, you f*%~wit, and you’ve given the plot away!” Oops. Sorry.)
4) Pull yourself together man, that’s not going to happen. For a start, I’m not going write about anything too personal. It’s not like in 10 or 15 years’ time I’m going to be making the father-of-the-bride speech at a wedding, recalling the time I wrote in my blog about her first period. Certain topics are strictly off-limits. I promise not to divulge anything hideously embarrassing (though I suspect our definition of “hideously embarrassing” may differ slightly).
5) Besides, it’s all going to be completely anonymous. And in all likelihood, no-one is going to read this blog anyway. The only way our identities will become public is if the blog is really successful and I make some of dosh out of it (and we get to go on that skiing holiday we’ve never been able to afford). Slim chance of that. I heard some award-winning women bloggers on the radio the other day, telling how the earnings from their fabulously successful blog barely cover the wine bill. Worst case scenario…the kids find out about this blog? I reckon I can win them over.
Next post – our aliases.